An Email Conversation in Response to Seattle Losing Its Shit

Sara and I email each other back and forth every day. But today's emails were particularly hilarious (to us at least). If you aren't from around Seattle or if you've been living under a rock, it's basically all out warfare downtown (not really, 2 shootings this morning - but close). But seriously, there's been something like 15 murders in the last month and police are apparently baffled by the spike in gun violence.
I know how Fran would handle this. She'd call up her Mafia boyfriends and tell them to get their asses over here and clean shit up the Eastern European way (i.e. find and execute people).


Anyways, this is the email conversation Sara and I had with regards to the shootings that happened this morning.

Sara: Also, don’t get shot. I saw some lady got shot in Pioneer Square earlier this week*. Just…don’t piss anyone off, k? Kthxbai!

Lindsay: And...who would shoot me? Have you seen my muscles? I also know how to knife fight.

Sara: You need a knife in order to knife fight. No one gives a shit how big your muscles are or how long your knife is when they have a gun. That’s sort of the appeal.

Lindsay: I have a knife, douche. Ryan gave us 12 hunting knives for Xmas. We have them everywhere - like chapstick.They will when they try to shoot me. Because I'll stab them before they decide to shoot.

Sara: So you know how to throw knives then? And OOOOoooOOooOOOOOOooooOOH! Aren’t you all fancy! Why on earth would you need 12 hunting knives? For when you and Jesse go hunting with ten buddies? Or so when the first 11 run out you have a spare?

Lindsay: Of course I know how to throw knives**. Why wouldn't you need 12 hunting knives...?

Sara: I’d have one gun with twelve (thirteen, including one in the barrel) rounds loaded so I could take out anyone with a knife.

Lindsay: Well you can't just walk around in public with a big-ass gun fully loaded. This isn't the South.

Sara: Concealed weapons permit. Or a handgun.

Lindsay: How are you going to "conceal" a rifle or shotgun? Oh, hey don't mind this shot-gun looking thing sticking out of my pants or the bottom of my coat. Maybe I could fit a handgun in my bra. And a handgun that holds more than 8 rounds?

Sara: Makarov pistol. Lots of semi-automatics have 12 round clips.

Lindsay: God, you are so Russian.

Sara: Besides, I thought your muscles would deter any potential shooters.

Lindsay: Soooo...both shooters from this morning are still at large. Wanna pick me up from work? Stop by the house first though and grab some guns. Where the fuck is Phoenix Jones? You think if I walk around with my cupcakes, it'll deter someone from shooting me? Do you think being the birthday girl makes me bullet proof? Better yet, where can I buy a bullet proof vest, and have it delivered to my office? Why the fuck don't we have the mafia out here to take care of this shit before it gets out of hand?


Sara: No. Probably doing something more important like wearing tights and being awesome. No, they'll shoot you then steal your cupcakes. No. Vests-R-Us (We deliver!). Because Grandma broke up with them and told them to get the fuck out.

Sara: Oh yeah. Happy Birthday too, I guess.

*She means on TV. She saw this on the news.

**I don't