Tuesday, July 24, 2012


Lindsay: The reason we’ve been slacking on posting stuff up here is because Jesse and I haven’t been around. Apparently, everything hilarious that happens in the house is a direct result of us, because nothing cool has happened since we’ve been gone. (Or Sara is just too lazy to keep track of it, which is equally as likely). We’re house-sitting for a co-worker of Jesse’s in Snohomish, and having our own house with just the two of us (plus an extra dog and cat who have both run away but come back on separate occasions… so we’re the worst house-sitters ever) has been nothing short of phenomenal. We have a bed – a fucking BED! For some of you, that is a given…and fuck you guys who don’t understand how awesome it is to have the privilege to sleep on a comfortable bed.

So we’re not sure how everyone else at the compound is doing, but it sounds like it’s been pretty quiet. But for us, it’s been great, so we really don’t care.

Sara: Yeah. Mostly just laziness. I’d try to play cool and pretend like we’ve been too busy having mind-blowing adventures with Mr. Tumnus in Narnia and shit…but who am I kidding?

So Lindsay and Jesse left…some amount of time ago. It could have been two weeks, a month, seven years…I don’t know. I don’t believe in days anymore. The point is: they left to stay in someone else’s house for a month.

I should really finish my morning coffee before writing these.

Anyways. Initially, Mom, Dad, and I were absolutely ecstatic to have less people inhabiting the compound, even temporarily. It meant that I didn’t have to concede the TV to Jesse so he could subject himself to a slow, painful, pointless death (read: watch baseball). It meant that I didn’t have to share my wardrobe with Lindsay. It meant that I could let my room get as messy as I want, and have another empty room to expand into when necessary.

There was one factor I didn’t anticipate: Dad. Mom and I relax at the end of the day similarly; we get alcohol of some form in our system and avoid interacting with people. Being a social human being stresses me out over the course of the day, and without at least an hour to myself, I become an absolutely terrible person.

Yes. I know. I’m an old, cantankerous lady. Let’s stop chuckling, pretend we’re mature, and move on, shall we?

Dad doesn't de-stress in this way. He’s an extrovert in every sense of the word. He unwinds with good conversation. And with two less people to hang out with at the end of the day, who do you think he’s turning to for that conversation?

Me. Never mind the fact that we work in the same office all day, or that his wife is in the next room, OR that I’m in the middle of aligning my chi with my spirit guide, Lemon, when he decides to step in front of the television and strike up a conversation. No. Each day after work he proceeds to talk my face off while I try to find my happy place where no one tries to talk to me while I eat string cheese and get drunk. Oh, and it doesn’t matter if I’m in the kitchen or in my room sitting on the Internet...he’ll find me to tell me that he thinks what’s-her-name’s post on Facebook is stupid.

It’s not his fault. Dad’s just bored. He got used to having people in all areas of the house at any given time for him to hang out with, and now he’s just got cranky versions of Mom and me. I try to remind myself of this whenever I start to fantasize about going full Kill Bill and poking him until his heart explodes.

So the moral of the story is…moving in with your parents after college will get you into a job faster than anything, if just to acquire the monetary ability to move as far away from them as you possibly can. And Lindsay and Jesse need to move back in. Quickly.

Oh. And drugs are bad, mkay?

Monday, July 9, 2012

We just got pwned.

Sara and Lindsay are huge Harry Potter dweebs. Sara more so (exemplified by the fact that she just signed up for Pottermore and giggled through her first hour of deliciously sweet browsing. What? You don’t know what Pottermore is? Fuck dude, Google it. Don’t you realize you’re on the Internet; a resource of almost unlimited information?), but they’re both totally qualified to serve as the head of the Harry Potter dork patrol.

Jesse, on the other hand, has never read the books or seen the movies. Don’t ask us why, we assume it’s because he’s a complete cultural desert. But he promised Lindsay that he would read them to their children since it could be a bonding moment for them. He’s refused to watch any of the movies because he wants to start fresh. Blah blah, Jesse’s sweet and probably going to be a good father and Lindsay’s all sorts of lucky…WE KNOW! Not the point.

Because we know that everyone reading has been following this blog regularly, we’re sure you remember that we planned to give Jesse another potentially hilarious HP trivia quiz this last weekend. We came up with a list of open-ended questions sure to stump a HP novice, but nothing particularly obscure.

Jesse got them all right. All of them. He knew what an Acromantula is, the fate of Norbert, why Sirius Black is a fugitive, AND why Gilderoy Lockhart is a total douche.

We suspected foul play. We did, after all, write all of the questions down beforehand. So we checked his internet history to see if he Googled the answers. He didn’t.

So after we sat there gaping like retarded fish for a few minutes, Jesse told us to look in his bag. We found The Goblet of Fire with a bookmark sticking out.

For the past three months, Jesse’s been reading the books in secret…which isn’t easy, considering how nosy Lindsay is. Why? Oh, we're so glad you asked. He’s been secretly reading them for three months just so he could ace a Harry Potter quiz and totally blow our minds. That, my friends, is serious dedication to some high quality pwnage. We ain’t even mad.

Some husbands go to strip clubs or watch lots of porn or lie so they can hang out with their buddies or go fishing. Jesse read books in secret so he could make his wife and sister look like assholes during Sunday dinner. 

Oh, and we guess Mom was totally in on it as well…meaning that she managed to keep her mouth shut. You wouldn't believe how excited she was to be involved in a joke for once. It was precious.

And now for something completely different; hilarious conversations from dinner!

Telling a story...
Dad: So your mother was pregnant with Sara and she asked me to go to the store because she needed tampons.
Lindsay:...while she was pregnant?...
Dad: Shit. Let me start over.

Mom: Sara, hand me that towel.
Sara: You’re a towel!
Mom: You’re a butthole!
Lindsay: You’re a dementor! (Trying to make fun of Jesse's dementor comments from last week which aren't as funny now because he totally knew what a fucking dementor was and was just pretending).
Mom: <While mixing a martini> If I keep drinking vodka I will be.

Dad: Hey! Look at me, I'm in junior high again! <snaps Lindsay's bra>
Lindsay: Did that make you feel younger or just like a creepy Dad?
Dad: Eh... a little bit of both. 

Mom: So...guess what horrible, terrible thing Sara did in OUR house last night?
Lindsay: Drop acid? 
Mom: No, worse. She had a boy spend the night in her bed with her. 
Lindsay: That's worse than dropping acid?
Sara: It was Luke.*
Jesse: Well he doesn't count!

* Luke is gayer than Lady Gaga riding a unicorn shitting rainbows.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

When My Husband is Sick

There are Harry Potter references in here. Mind you, my (Lindsay) husband (Jesse) knows absolutely nothing about Harry Potter. He's never read the books or seen the movies and the only information he has about the stories are what he has heard from us and his students at school.

Right now, Jesse has a very mild cold. He will tell you he is knocking at death's door.

Jesse: I think I have a fever.
Me: Well then why are you taking Benadryl if you're sick? You should be taking a fever reducer like IBprofen.
Jesse: I don't know! It feels like Dementors are flying around my head!
(Jesse doesn't know what Dementors are other than they are bad. If you know what a Dementor is, you know what a gross exaggeration this statement is.)
Me: Oh yah? Dementors? How would you survive without me? You forget to eat, you take antihistamine allergy medicine when you have a cold...
Jesse: I don't know! Someone probably would have just taken me out back and shot me by now.

Later, when the subject of his ex-girlfriend came up.
Jesse: Yah, she was lame. SHE is a Dementor.
Me: Somehow I doubt that.
Jesse: Well...they sound mean, so there.

Jesse: You know, I was feeling good today. I was working next door and I was doing fine...
Me: It's funny how as soon as I show up, you start feeling TERRIBLE, but when I'm not around, you somehow feel just fine when there is no one to complain to or act sick around.
Jesse: Stooooop! I said I was feeling, a little bit better earlier.
Me: No, you said you were feeling good.
Jesse: You're like a Dementor.

Later this week, we're going to have a very special post. Jesse is going to watch his very first Harry Potter movie, but before he does, we are going to give him a Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone trivia quiz. We did this when we were all 4 beers deep at the Diamond Knot Brewery and the results were all kinds of hilarious. So, we're going to do it again and actually write everything down.