Onion Ring Wars

Yesterday afternoon Jesse was busy ironing his clothes and Brock was folding his and Kathy's laundry while Lindsay and Sara sat on the couch drinking beer and watching TV.
Kathy comes home, looks at Jesse and Brock, and says:
"Oh, look. The Real Housewives of Edmonds, Washington."

For Lindsay's birthday dinner, she requested Kathy's fucking awesome homemade onion rings. They're beer battered and deep fried and sweet and delicious and make everything in the world right. They're like crack, but without all of the annoying illegality or addiction.
Kathy made an assload of them because we love them so much. We always make fun of other people for stacking their plates so high with the onion rings even though everyone is doing the exact same thing, because we all want as many onion rings to ourselves as possible.

Lindsay: <Concentrating very hard on picking out the specific onion rings she wants to put on her plate>
Dad: Hey! Those aren't very paleo...you should probably give them all to me.
Lindsay: It's my birthday...so whatever I eat doesn't count. AND....guess how many fucks I give?
Dad: Lindsay! Nice mouth!
Lindsay: <holds up a zero while eating an onion ring>

Mom: Sara, where are you taking the onion rings?
Sara: To fill the tray back up with more.
Mom: Oh, okay. I thought you were going to go into your room and eat them in front of your computer.
<5 seconds later>
Mom: Sara, what are you doing? Where are the onion rings? Are you eating them all?
Jesse: One for the tray, two for me, one for the tray, two for me...

Dad: Jeez Fran! Did you eat enough onion rings? Quit hogging them!
Fran: You're going to deny onion rings from a frail, old lady?
Dad: If you keep eating all the onion rings, yah.
Mom: We'll have to start charging you more rent if you're going to eat all the food!
Fran: This. Is. Elderly abuse!

Lindsay: God I'm so full. <Takes more onion rings from the tray>
Jesse: Lindsay, I don't know if you want anymore. You're full and your going to change from a thin mint to an onion ring. So, give me all your onion rings.
Lindsay: I'll give you an onion ring. (That's my comeback for everything. It doesn't need to make sense)