Email thread from last week.
Lindsay: I don't know what kind of bus karma I have, but I always seem to get stuck in front of or next to someone with a disgusting cough who lacks the decency to cover their mouth. Yuck.
Mom: That sucks. I sometimes had to sit next to a guy who didn’t wear underwear and wouldn’t zip his fly.
Lindsay: Ew, Mom. When and where was this?
Mom: When I first moved to Seattle, I lived in Colombia City right off Rainier Ave. The bus stop was in front of my apartment, so I took the bus to and from work every day. The bus ride was fine until we got to 3rd and Pine and the “free” zone. I always tried to sit with someone that I thought was going to continue to ride and then I was safe. If I picked wrong and they got off at the Post Office, then I was screwed.
Dad: Sorry, it was me…
Sara: This. This right fucking here. I’m dying.
Mom: That is disgusting!!
Dad: But very funny...
Sara: One night I was riding home late, and sat up front. This one bum who, for whatever reason, I have run into several times over the last few years, was sitting near me (he’s fairly recognizable. Black. Dreds. In a wheelchair with one leg. Very nice, albeit crazy dude). He started talking to me and soon his other bum friends joined in and after a few minutes we were all laughing and chatting.
Then I realized that all of the normal people were sitting in the back looking terrified while this little white girl and 4 big black homeless men laughed their faces off in the front. I get along better with bums than I do normal people.
Lindsay: Were you high?
Sara: It was pretty HIGHlarious
Remember a couple months ago when Sara got her words mixed up and called Lindsay a rapist when she meant to say racist? Well, Jesse took a page out of Sara's book the other day. Lindsay was getting ready to take a shower and they were joking around. Jesse sometimes will call Lindsay a "scamp" when they're being playful. I don't know what it means either, but it's an endearing name. Instead, Jesse got his words mixed up and said, while giving her a pat on the butt:
"Now get in there ya little skank."
He didn't catch his mix-up until Lindsay turned around asked incredulously:
"Did you really just call your pregnant wife a skank?"
See what I mean? That could have ended really badly for him.
Although while Jesse mixes up his words intentionally, Dad prefers to go straight for male suicide. Sara overheard him say this to his inside sales rep, Celeste, at work the other day...
Dad: Celeste, when are you going to jump on the stick and start making some babies?
Celeste: Shut up, Brock!
Dad: And I mean that literally.
Or there was this one he pulled at dinner:
Sara: I work out in the morning now and it's turning me into a morning person. Put that on the list of things I never thought I'd say seriously.
Dad: Yeah, I noticed. Look at how skinny you are! Lindsay...not so much.
Lindsay: Because I'm fucking pregnant, dad. I'm supposed to have a jolly round belly.
Dad: Sure, if that's your excuse.
Also, Lindsay has been asked about her "birth plan" a few times. For those inquiring minds, yes, she does have a very specific, well thought-out birth plan. Ready?
It's called "EVERYBODY GETS OUT ALIVE."