The Dental Altercation

About a month ago, the whole family got the ironically cheerful reminder cards from the dentist, saying things like “It’s that time of the year again!” First of all, if the message on your card could also be used for a colonoscopy, you should consider tweaking it. Anyways, I (Sara) promptly forgot about it, as I am wont to do. About a week ago Mother decided to remind me of this while I was at work with an E-Mail entitled “make a dentist apt to clean your fangs”

Mom: (Our dentist’s phone number)  MAKE A DENTIST APPOINTMENT! IT HAS BEEN A YEAR SINCE THOSE NASTY THINGS HAVE BEEN CLEANED

Sara: MAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMM! It has not been a year. I got them cleaned right before I went to Russia. Which is…one month less than a year.

Mom: 11 months is 5 months over 6 months and so your LATE

Sara: I also did go in in December. I don’t think that counted though.

Mom: I talked with Dr. Pacy today and he said November to √ your wisdom teeth doesn’t count. Your late. Deal with it. Make the apt and stop whining.

Sara: And you keep using the wrong form of you’re.

Mom: YOUR STILL LATE

Sara: *You’re.

Mom: YOUR A YOUR

You now see the situation I found myself in. Mother was highly irritated by the thought of me not doing what she wanted. As the youngest and, more importantly, as a brat, I knew I couldn’t just call then and miss all the potential fun.

Also, I’m really lazy. Like…putting trash in my pockets so I don’t have to walk over to the trash can lazy.

Two nights later we were sitting in the kitchen watching television. Mom turned to me:

Mom: Call the dentist!

Sara: Mom, I will. Get off my case about it. You're acting like Dad.

Mom: No boys are going to want to kiss you if you don't clean your teeth.

Sara: There are plenty of boys who want to kiss me!

Mom: Not if you have a skank mouth!

Lindsay: Yeah, no one likes dragon breath.

Sara: Why do you care if boys want to kiss me?

Lindsay: Because it means you'll be closer to getting out of here.

Mom: Yeah, you'll have date nights!

Sara: So you just want me gone more? You just want me to meet a boy so I'm
out of the house, not because you want me to be happy?

Lindsay: Well you're so argumentative and cranky!

Sara: What? No I'm not!

Lindsay: You argue about EVERYTHING - even when you're lying in bed
drinking beer.

Mom: You're arguing right now!

Sara: I never argue when I’m in bed drinking beer. I'm HAPPY when I'm in bed drinking beer.

We have a difference of opinion as to what happened next. Lindsay thinks Mom tried to tickle me. I maintain that she tried to strangle me in an attempt to perform a postpartum abortion, and for the record, I think she should be arrested.