Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Sister Love

One of our most common weekend rituals is making fun of Sara when she inevitably comes home with a raging hangover. Sometime in the late morning on either Saturday or Sunday she rolls into the driveway, hair sticking straight up, smelling like stale beer and shattered dreams. The rest of the family proceeds to offer her drinks and chuckle at her misery. The unconditional love and support between us is overwhelming.

However, this last Saturday Sara wasn’t feeling particularly well (it’s worth noting that was partially due to a hangover), and didn’t drink at all. Lindsay and Jesse went off to party with their CrossFit friends early in the afternoon, and Dad cracked his first beer around 2 pm.

This is our text conversation about the bonds of sisterhood.(Typos have been left as to stress the obvious mental state of those involved)

 <Late Afternoon>
Lindsay: Urrrmmmm...what would we have to do to get you to pick us up later?????
Sara: How much later?
Lindsay: Ehhhhh...I know don't know and that's why I'm. An asshole
Sara: A drunk asshole
Lindsay: That too. You love me.
Sara: I know
Lindsay:  Maybe like 12 or 1? You can dribkwith usfor awhile.
Sara: I may be totally asleep by then so I'd rather not drink with you.
Lindsay: Lame. But you still love me so you'll pick us up.
<Around 10pm>
Sara: Are you still in Woodinville?
Lindsay: No. Mill Creek. I'm dancing to Nelly. This is how the night has progressed.
Sara: Ugh, you should just get a cab...I hate you.
Lindsay: But you love me. Come over now. (Inserts address)
Sara: Are you sure you can't find another ride? I'm probably going to fall asleep at the wheel. 
Lindsay: Vagina up and come pick us up.
Sara: I fucking hate you
Lindsay: You love me. So get over here. Jesse wants to know if you want a road soda

Because she didn’t want to fall asleep at the wheel, Sara recruited Dad as her co-pilot. True, he was a bit useless as he kept forgetting where they were and couldn’t make out any street signs, but he made a valiant effort. They finally arrived at the house to find Lindsay and Jesse ambling down the driveway covered in wine stains and leaning on each other for support.<Addition by Lindsay: I was NOT covered in wine stains. Just a small stain on my white shirt that my friend MARTA, spilled on me while she was wielding her wine glass like a broadsword> Dad then stumbled out of the car to pee on some bushes. It took a good ten minutes to herd them all into the car <Lindsay: More like 1 minute> where they continued to behave much like a bunch of drunken children, giggling at nothing in particular and attempting to give Sara directions.

Jesse upon entering the car: Hey Sara, do you want me to sing so you can stay awake?
Sara: Jesse, jump up your own ass and die.

The next evening, Sara, Lindsay, Dad, and Natasha, Sara’s roommate from college, were watching a Harry Potter marathon. A commercial for the movie The Grey played.

Dad: That movie is so stupid.
Sara: Why?
Dad: It’s been done over and over again. A bunch of guys crash in the wilderness and have to walk out and, guess what? The wolves are stalking them. 
Lindsay: Dad, there are no movies with that plot line.
Sara: Yeah, but Liam Neeson’s being awesome in it.
Dad: Liam Neeson’s a pussy.
Sara: No. He kicks ass. He’s Aslan.
Dad: Ass Land?

Later, the 6th Harry Potter movie was playing, which Lindsay hadn’t seen yet. Knowing this, Sara was particularly adamant that Lindsay watch the entire thing. At the end of a commercial break, Sara assumed Lindsay was out of the room. She took a deep breath and let loose a bloodcurdling shriek that could blow the eardrums of anyone foolish enough to be standing within several miles and wake the dead.


She glanced to her right only to find Lindsay sitting on the couch a few feet away with a glass of wine in her hand giving Sara this face:

Lindsay: Dude.
Sara: ...I didn’t see you there.
Natasha: *laughs* Obviously not.

<After the next commercial break>
Lindsay: Sara, the movie's back on, do you need to do a head count first?

Another commercial played with Eva Mendes promoting some crappy hair product. It probably featured “amino acid proteins” or something equally redundant/idiotic.

Lindsay: Did you know she’s dating Ryan Gosling?
Dad: Who?
Lindsay: The girl on TV.
Dad: Oh. Well I’d totally hit that.
Sara: Ew dad.
Dad: But not her. *confused looks from everyone*
Sara: So…you’d hit Ryan Gosling?
Dad: …Who’s Ryan Gosling?
Natasha: He’s totally dreamy.
Lindsay: Did you know he has an indie band too?
Dad: Oh god...
Lindsay: Dad, do you even know what indie music is?
Dad: I know what indie music is. It’s that punk bitch…ehhhhh…pussy music.

The night ended with Dad asking all sorts of irrelevant and incorrect questions about Harry Potter (in between naps), even though he's watched each movie with us at least 3 times. He eventually got frustrated and said “this movie sucks,” before he wandered off to bed.

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