Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Who Bought The Steel Reserve?

As you all can tell, since we’ve been neglecting this blog like an illegitimate child, our lives have been fairly unremarkable since Lindsay and Jesse were out doing their own thing. So before we tell you all about how the compound has filled up again, here’s a quick recap of what’s happened in the last month:

  • Lindsay and Jesse bought a house.
  • Mom had hand surgery (Though she had to wait a week, since her doctor was hung over and throwing her guts up the first time they tried).
  • Sara cleaned her room (Trust us. This is a big deal).
  • Dad shot a bunch of arrows.
  • We redecorated the living room.
  • Managed the gather 6 of the Dragon Balls. 
  • Disregarded females and acquired currency.
About a week ago, Dad’s mom, Dolores, a.k.a Grandma D, came into town for a visit. She lives in Arizona with her ancient pug/pig, Mr. Bigglesworth, where she spends most of her time pwning bitches at golf, kicking ass, and taking names.

Since Lindsay and Jesse moved back on Friday, our lives have once again returned to a clusterfuck of profanity, booze, and delicious food. Okay. That may be an exaggeration. But considering how wasted everyone got Saturday night for no other reason than “hey look, another beer! I haven’t had one of those in five minutes. Better throw it down the hatch,” it’s not too far off base.

You might be thinking that since Grandma D’s been in town, we’ve dialed down the drinking a bit. After all, grandmothers are frail little creatures, right?


The other day, Lindsay was perusing the fridge for something delicious, when a sixer of Steel Reserve tall boys caught her eye.

Lindsay: Who bought the Steel Reserve?
Grandma D: They're for me.
Lindsay: You drink Steel Reserve?!
Grandma D: Yeah. It's a hell of a lot better than that Bud Light crap my son always drinks.

Uhhhh...touche, I guess.

It’s worth noting that Lindsay wasn’t surprised that Grandma D was drinking hardcore malt liquor because it’s alcoholic…she was surprised because normally Grandma D’s drink of choice is scotch on the rocks. But whatever she’s drinking, it’s a fair bet that she’s going to make you look and feel like a pussy while she does it. She might as well walk around the house double fisting a glass of Scoresby's scotch and a tall boy of Steel Reserve just so everyone knows who the real badass is. I bet Dolores could bully a Hell's Angel for his lunch money.

But Grandma D isn’t the only grandma in town who can get a bit saucy. Here’s a conversation regarding Grandma F:

Mom: Well my mother was a renaissance woman. Instead of getting married and settling down, she travelled across the country sleeping in strange men’s houses.*
Lindsay: And with them. Bazinga!
Sara: Ha! What’s up?! <high fives Lindsay>
Dad: For sure. Fran was totally a freak.
Sara: You just had to make it weird, didn’t you?
*Fran actually did this in her mid 20's with her best friend. They quit their jobs and drove from Connecticut to California because they were bored with life.

Sunday, Sara went to the Sounders game with an old "friend" (quotations added by Lindsay) on leave from the Navy, Sean. She thought she had gotten away with doing so without much harassment, until last night that is…

Lindsay: So, you and Sean, huh? Did you hit that?
Sara: No. I don't think the people sitting around us at the game would have appreciated that.
Jesse: Liar! You know what they say about those Navy guys.
Lindsay: All hands on deck!
Jesse: Hoist the mast!
Lindsay: Salute your captain!
Jesse: Load the big guns!
Sara: You both can kiss my ass.
Lindsay: Swab the poop deck!
<Lindsay and Jesse high five>

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