Dad: He's gay?! He was on the USS Enterprise on Star Trek!
Dad: Well I would have looked at Star Trek differently if I had known there were a bunch of homosexuals flying around in space. I mean, our tax dollars pay for that.
Dad: Being on the Enterprise must have been so much more fun than I thought. Some of the best bars I've been to are gay bars.
Lindsay: What are you talking about?
Sara: You're an idiot.
Dad: I'm a force of nature!
Sara:...so is a fart.
(Do not try to make sense of this conversation. Unfortunately, quite a few of our daily conversations resemble
Later, Sara was telling Dad about her friend's boyfriend who is of multiple ethnicities and speaks more than one language. Here is Dad's incredibly articulate response.
Dad: Wow! So he's, like, multicultural and shit.
At another point in the night, Dad was trying to describe the width of his shoulders.
Dad: I've got like 54 inch shoulders.
Lindsay: Dad, I think our TV is 54 inches.
Mom: There is no way you have 54 inch shoulders. They would go out to here <gestures how big they would be>
Dad: Yeah! they go all the way out to there!
Mom: Your bullshit meter goes all the way out to there.
On Sunday, Lindsay and Mom made bloody mary mix from scratch (no, you cannot have the recipe, fuck off). Two of Lindsay's friends came over that afternoon to lay in the sun and they all tried the bloody marys, which were out-of-this-fucking-world-delicious. Jesse had been in Portland that day. Even if Jesse had been in town on Sunday, he still wouldn't have been invited, because Lanae, Suzanne, and I were busy pretending we were Real Housewives or on Sex and the City (or whoever else just sits around and drinks all day). This is what he had to say when he asked me about how the bloody marys turned out.
Jesse: Well thanks for inviting me!
Lindsay: Do you have a vagina?
Jesse: Obviously not!
Sara (half paying attention, being a troll): Lenslay, you're a rapist.
Sara: Oh, rapist? I meant to say racist.
Lindsay: That still doesn't work.
Jesse: I like bloody marys too, you know.