At 8:30 AM, Sara got
a call from Mom.
Mom: Where are
you?
Sara: …at work.
Where are you?
Mom: Oh. What did
you do last night?
Sara: I went out
with Haley. Do you not remember me telling you about this?
Mom: Oh, I guess
you did say something about that. You didn’t answer my call last night, so I
assumed you were hooking up with some guy*.
Sara:...so you
decided to call and check up on that?
Mom: Were you?
Sara: Was I what?
Mom: Doing the
nasty with a boy?
Sara: Oh for the
love of god…NO!
Mom: Are you
sure?
Sara: I cannot
believe we are having this conversation right now. It’s too early for me to
deal with this.
Mom: I just
wanted to make sure you had fun!
*She was assuming Sara was battening down the hatches.(Click on the link if you're confused by the nautical zinger)
After being harassed
about her sex life by her mother, Sara decided it was time to touch base with
Lindsay via E-mail:
8:42 AM
I forgot an undershirt and you can totally see my bra
through my blouse. And I’ve been walking around with my pants mostly and very
visibly unbuttoned for a good half an hour. I am such a clusterfuck. I don’t
know how I get through life in one piece. I am legitimately baffled.
9:51 AM
Flip flop flippity boop!
The little flap of skin on my thumb came off. I can’t tell
if it’s more gross now or less. But I fully intend on showing it to a
statistically significant sample size to find out. I want results I can RELY
on, damnit!
9:54 AM
Never will I ever get tired of almonds.
Going to lunch today sounds like fun.
To infinity, and beyond!
Give me something to do.
You know, I think I prefer briefs to boxers. In some cases.
On men of course. Not on me.
Up yours, you judgmental butthole!
TROLOLOLLLOLOLOLLLLLOLOOOOOLLOLOOOOL
(Lindsay didn’t get
this. I hope SOMEONE reading does and shames her appropriately.)
<Addition by Lindsay> Why the fuck is it called a rickroll? I've included a Wikipedia reference for certain people (read: my husband) who aren't hip to the internetz. I at least know what Reddit is.
<Addition by Sara> Because the song's by Rick Astley, numbnuts.
<Addition by Lindsay> Why the fuck is it called a rickroll? I've included a Wikipedia reference for certain people (read: my husband) who aren't hip to the internetz. I at least know what Reddit is.
<Addition by Sara> Because the song's by Rick Astley, numbnuts.
10:08 AM
Why didn’t you reply to me on Facebook? Or to any of these
emails? Do you not love me anymore????????
My head kind of hurts. I wonder if I have a tumor. I guess
that would explain a lot.
Ouch.
Poking the spot that hurts was not the best idea.
I have a total fast food craving right now. I just want
McDonalds in and around my mouf.
IN and AROUND! Do you HEAR ME???
My nails are kind of gross. I think I need to take a shower.
Or a bath. A bath sounds better.
When and why do you think people starting using rubber
duckies? They don’t serve any purpose other than bobbing there like some
pretentious bathtub nymph.
“Oooooh, look at me. I’m yellow and buoyant!”
Fuck you, rubber duckie.
I guess that will forever be one of life’s greatest
mysteries.
Maybe I’ll solve it and win a Nobel Prize?
Do you think rubber duckie research is a category?
Fuck it. I’ll make it one.
First I’ve got to somehow get control of whatever
organization makes decisions about the Nobel Prize.
Hmmmm…
Finally, after more
than 2 hours of heartbreak and nail-biting while waiting for a scrap of
validation from the only sister Sara has ever had, Lindsay replied:
Lindsay: Wow. So the Pathfinder tune-up is going to end up being around $1500.
Looks like I’m selling my body this weekend.
Sara: Ouch. That
sucks. Well, hike your boobs up, slip on some heels, and find a corner.
Lindsay: I don’t
understand anything you are saying to me.
Sara: I was
encouraging you to get ready to sell yourself.
Lindsay: I
thought you were telling me to get dressed up and pee in a corner.
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