Thursday, January 3, 2013

A Very Appley Christmas Eve

On Christmas Eve, we stuffed ourselves with lobster and booze while Lindsay watched everyone drinking their beer/wine longingly. Mom wore a Christmas sweater while Jesse and Dad forgot about the zipper on their pants after about their 2nd trip to pee. They button, they just forget to zip. After dinner, we decided to play a game of Apples to Apples, which is generally not a disappointing game at the Bowyer household. Apples to Apples, for those who may not be familiar with it, is a game where one person draws a card with an adjective on it, and everyone else has to submit a person, place, or thing (Sara: I believe the word you're thinking of is "noun") they think best matches the adjective, and then the person who drew the card decides.

At our house, it's pretty typical for the most offensive card to win. For example, one year the adjective was "boisterous," and the card that won was "Helen Keller." Who played that fantastic card, you ask? Grandma, of course. She's also come up with pairs like "Alfred Hitchcock" for "cuddly" and "Adolf Hitler" for "charming."

Throughout the entire game, after the winning card was picked and everyone had to draw a new card, Dad would say, "Oh! I've got the perfect card!" Or, "I needed this one for the last round!" Basically every single new card he picked up was a "perfect" match for the previous round.
Dad also took to justifying every single card that was submitted as a match for the adjective card, even if it wasn't his card.

Adjective: Old
Two of the submitted cards were "Saturn" and "Flipper."
Dad: Saturn's old!
(It wasn't his card)
Jesse: Flipper. I don't think anyone understood Flipper.

Adjective: Naive
One of the submitted cards was "shark"
Dad: Dude! Sharks are totally naive.
Lindsay: Dad, sharks are prehistoric, highly-skilled killing machines that also happen to be masters of evolution.
Dad: Totally! They're so naive that they just kill indiscriminately. They naively want to kill everything. They're naive in the fact that they think they have to kill anything they see.
(It wasn't his card)
Sara: I say we throw you to the sharks and test out that ridiculous hypothesis.

Adjective: Charistmatic
Dad: Where's the Brock card?
One of the submitted cards was "pond scum"
Dad: Pond scum is SUPER charismatic!
Another card gets picked.
Dad: You should have picked mine!
Lindsay: What was it?
Dad: I don't remember

Adjective: Creative
One of the submitted cards was "Canadians"
Dad: Canadians are super creative! They're the most creative people on Earth!
(Not his card)

At one point, someone submitted the card "nuclear power plants" and Dad picked up the card and said "nuclear power pants...what are those?"

Adjective: Bright
Someone selected "chorus girls"
Lindsay: "Slutty" would work!
Sara (almost high fives Lindsay then stops):...We were chorus girls
Lindsay: I know!
Sara: ...<high fives Lindsay anyways>

Adjective: Annoying
Mom: Where's the Brock card?

Lindsay had brought some cookies from the bakery on the bottom floor of her building where she works for dessert. There were more than enough cookies for everyone, but she had to spend every spare second fighting Mom off because she was sitting next to Lindsay and kept trying to sneak pieces of her cookie instead of, you know, just getting her own.

Lindsay: Mom! Get your own fucking cookie!
Mom: No. Quit being a bitch and just give me like, half.
Lindsay: Fuck off! Get your own cookie and break it in half!
Mom: Is there a bitchy card? Because Lindsay should get that one. Let's hope your baby is more like Jesse.

It's also worth noting that in situations like this, Jesse willingly throws Lindsay under the bus if it means he gets praised or shown favoritism over her.

At the end of the game, everyone began to split up. Sara started texting someone furiously, Dad went to find some war show on TV so he could fall asleep in his chair and then wake up and go "Hey, I'm watching that!" when you try to change the channel, and Jesse and Mom grabbed more booze.

Grandma: Well, I'm going up
(To her house)
Lindsay: What? That's it?
Grandma: Yah. Dinner's over. Game's over. Is someone going to do card tricks? Dance? Sing?
Lindsay: Sara, invite some of your gay boyfriends over and play some Cher so they can sing and dance to entertain Grandma.
Sara: <death glare>

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