We just got pwned.

Sara and Lindsay are huge Harry Potter dweebs. Sara more so (exemplified by the fact that she just signed up for Pottermore and giggled through her first hour of deliciously sweet browsing. What? You don’t know what Pottermore is? Fuck dude, Google it. Don’t you realize you’re on the Internet; a resource of almost unlimited information?), but they’re both totally qualified to serve as the head of the Harry Potter dork patrol.

Jesse, on the other hand, has never read the books or seen the movies. Don’t ask us why, we assume it’s because he’s a complete cultural desert. But he promised Lindsay that he would read them to their children since it could be a bonding moment for them. He’s refused to watch any of the movies because he wants to start fresh. Blah blah, Jesse’s sweet and probably going to be a good father and Lindsay’s all sorts of lucky…WE KNOW! Not the point.

Because we know that everyone reading has been following this blog regularly, we’re sure you remember that we planned to give Jesse another potentially hilarious HP trivia quiz this last weekend. We came up with a list of open-ended questions sure to stump a HP novice, but nothing particularly obscure.

Jesse got them all right. All of them. He knew what an Acromantula is, the fate of Norbert, why Sirius Black is a fugitive, AND why Gilderoy Lockhart is a total douche.

We suspected foul play. We did, after all, write all of the questions down beforehand. So we checked his internet history to see if he Googled the answers. He didn’t.

So after we sat there gaping like retarded fish for a few minutes, Jesse told us to look in his bag. We found The Goblet of Fire with a bookmark sticking out.

For the past three months, Jesse’s been reading the books in secret…which isn’t easy, considering how nosy Lindsay is. Why? Oh, we're so glad you asked. He’s been secretly reading them for three months just so he could ace a Harry Potter quiz and totally blow our minds. That, my friends, is serious dedication to some high quality pwnage. We ain’t even mad.


Some husbands go to strip clubs or watch lots of porn or lie so they can hang out with their buddies or go fishing. Jesse read books in secret so he could make his wife and sister look like assholes during Sunday dinner. 

Oh, and we guess Mom was totally in on it as well…meaning that she managed to keep her mouth shut. You wouldn't believe how excited she was to be involved in a joke for once. It was precious.

And now for something completely different; hilarious conversations from dinner!

Telling a story...

Dad: So your mother was pregnant with Sara and she asked me to go to the store because she needed tampons.

Lindsay:...while she was pregnant?...

Dad: Shit. Let me start over.


Mom: Sara, hand me that towel.

Sara: You’re a towel!

Mom: You’re a butthole!

Lindsay: You’re a dementor! (Trying to make fun of Jesse's dementor comments from last week which aren't as funny now because he totally knew what a fucking dementor was and was just pretending).

Mom: <While mixing a martini> If I keep drinking vodka I will be.


Dad: Hey! Look at me, I'm in junior high again! <snaps Lindsay's bra>
Lindsay: Did that make you feel younger or just like a creepy Dad?
Dad: Eh... a little bit of both. 


Mom: So...guess what horrible, terrible thing Sara did in OUR house last night?
Lindsay: Drop acid? 
Mom: No, worse. She had a boy spend the night in her bed with her. 
Lindsay: That's worse than dropping acid?
Sara: It was Luke.*
Jesse: Well he doesn't count!


* Luke is gayer than Lady Gaga riding a unicorn shitting rainbows.