Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Jesse's Solutions to Lindsay's Mobility Limitations

When having a conversation about how awesome Macklemore is, Dad told us that he went to Meadowdale High School and he knows this because he...

Dad: ...just saw it on the interweb.

Sara: You’re right. That’s why all of Macklemore’s songs are about loving his hometown, Edmonds. Oh wait…

Mom: Don’t ever believe anything a salesman says.

He went to Garfield and Nathan Hale

"Haggerty was born and raised in Seattle, Washington. He attended Garfield High School andNathan Hale High School, going on to earn a bachelor's degree at The Evergreen State College. Interested in reaching a younger generation through his music, he was a part of a program focusing on education and cultural identity called "Gateways for Incarcerated Youth" where he facilitated music workshops.[3][4]"

Dad: Who is Haggerty? And what does it have to do with Macklemore?*
*Another shining example of Dad's listening skills. He asks shit like this all. the. time.

Sara: Macklemore isn’t his real name, dad. His name is Ben Haggerty. That’s why there’s a line in Irish Celebration that says “Proud to be a Haggerty.” 

Dad: God if I had a shitty name like that I’d change it too..

Dad gave Lindsay a call the other day to ask about something and this was what he said when he hung up:

Dad: Ok honey, uh, love you, and...try not to get anymore pregnant.

Sara sent out an email bitching about a co-worker and how he was acting like an ass at work, and here were our incredibly useful suggestions for how Sara should handle her situation. Names have been changed to protect Sara's reputation. 

Sara: I somehow pissed off co-worker for asking he and superior the same question, and using superior's answer first. And he’s being a huge wang and refusing to help me. Is he like…actually emotional or something? I assume he’s on his period at the least.

Dad: Tell co-worker to quit being a girl and do some work...

Sara: I would but it would probably just dislodge his tampon even more. Jesus.

Lindsay: Well, judging by how Sara is kicking ass at her job and how much co-worker is sucking, maybe he should actually consider growing a vagina because his balls aren't doing him any favors.

Sara: Good point. Betty White agrees.

Sara made a comment to Lindsay about how when she was younger, she didn't think Snoop Dog was a real person.

Lindsay: You didn't? How did you think he wasn't real? Snoop Dog is so ridiculous he HAS to be real. 

Sara: No, I thought dad made him up for his stupid jokes about his new album “Sniff my booty…”*
And then I saw a music video on TV when I was like 12 and my whole world turned the fuck upside down.

WOW. I'm dying right now.

Sara: Dood this is MY LIFE and you're LAUGHING at it.
*One of Dad's overused jokes when we were little was to ask us, "Have you heard Snoop dog's new album? It's called sniff my booty!" I honestly have no idea if Snoop Dog, did in fact, come out with an album titled "Sniff My Booty," but Dad somehow decided that was hilarious and would say that to us at least 3 times a day for several years. 

Finally, Lindsay is very pregnant. Like, 2 weeks away from delivery pregnant. Obviously, she's not as quick, or agile, or nimble as she used to be. She's been doing a lot of scooting to get out of sitting positions and rolling over in bed is like making an 8-point turn.

Jesse made these comments about her mobility:

When getting out of the car:

"We need to get you a little seat ejector that just propels you upright."

When trying to maneuver around a tight space:

"You need a truck beeper. Beep. Beep. Beep."

When trying to get off the couch:
"I think we need a crane to lift you up off the couch."