Virtual Dinner With The Bowyers

As many of you now know. Sara, Lindsay, Jesse, and Tucker moved out. We're grown-ups for reals now. Not really.

This has, obviously, significantly decreased the frequency of hilarious everyday conversations we have. However, in recent days, we have taken to emailing each other at once in one single email thread, and not surprisingly, some funny shit has been said/written. Except Jesse. He has a sooper important job being a teacher and he actually has to work at work, so he doesn't have down time to check his email.

Here is a smattering of emails from this week.


Sara: Has anyone else realized that we’ve just shifted our conversations from in-person to virtual?

Mom:  That’s because you never visit!

 

Sara: I didn’t come home this last weekend because I had a weepy friend to take care of. Your guilt trip has no effect on me!


Lindsay: I noticed this the other day. Our blog is going to have to become "Emailing with the Bowyers."

Mom: That is a great idea, actually.  Especially with how much Sara complains, you will have tons and tons and tons of stuff.

Sara: I DO NOT COMPLAIN THAT MUCH! You are a terrible mother.
So my building is showing the lotr* trilogy on xmas in the theater. So…sorry about not coming to Xmas in advance…
*For all you non-members of the Dork Patrol, lotr stands for Lord of The Rings. Example 1 of Sara being the President of Dork Patrol. 

Mom:  What are you saying about Xmas?

Lindsay: Sara is going to spend Xmas watching the Lord of The Rings Trilogy showing at her apartments with a bunch of dweebs instead of hanging out with us.

Mom: I was thinking one less lobster to buy. 
*It's Christmas Eve tradition at our house to fly-in Maine lobsters for dinner. 

Lindsay: HAHA! I'll eat Sara's lobster.

Sara: WHAT? This was supposed to be a joke because I thought it was a given that I would come home for xmas! Da fuq, family? I’m having people over for xmas eve morning! Do you want me to come over on xmas eve instead? Or just not at all?

I want a new family.

Lindsay: Mom thought you were saying you weren't coming over Xmas Eve. And she wasn't expecting you to hang out ALL day on Xmas anyways. She didn't get it.  

Sara: YOU DON’T GET IT

And don’t you touch my fuckin’ lobstah

A little while later... 

Lindsay: DUDE DUDE DOOOD. We just witnessed D&D or WoW themed wedding photos being taken outside. So bad. But so awesome. 

Sara: OH MY GAWD THAT’S AWESOME! I’m reading the thread on reddit about people that have actually seen someone object at a wedding.
Did you get any pictures for yourself?

Dad: What are D &D or WoW Weddings?

Lindsay: Dad, D&D stands for Dungeons and Dragons, and WoW stands for World of Warcraft. D&D started out as a magic card game I think, and now it is one of those fantasy online games. World of Warcraft is a fantasy online game. They were both chubby, really frumpy, and dressed like medieval fairies. It was hilarious. 

Sara*: Dad should know what D&D is. And for the record they’re both role-playing games…one that’s dice-based, and one that’s a massive multiplayer online RPG (MMO RPG).

Duh.
*President of the dork patrol, Example 2

The next day, Sara made fun of Lindsay and Jesse for living near all the hillbillies


Mom: The temp has dropped 9 degrees since the AM and is expected to continue to drop as this cold front moves in.  Hopefully, the cold front will keep the precipitation down.  Could be a  non event, but sounds like a fire night to me

Lindsay: We would love to make a fire, but we don't have any firewood. Maybe we'll act like city-slickers and just go buy some wood at the store.

Sara: You can’t monitor the height of the river and then go buy the wood at the store.
Get your shit together. Don’t be a walking contradiction.

Jeez.

Lindsay: Damnit you're right

Dad: Monitor the height of the River? ??

Sara: The Green River. Lindsay’s noticed when it goes up and down like a true hick.

Mom: Sara!  Lindsay is not a hick.  On a better note, I ordered lobsters today.


THEN, Mom made the mistake of making fun of our lack of blog posts

Dad (in response to me informing them I was attending Jesse's staff Xmas party and he STILL hadn't told anyone he worked with that he's having a baby): It would be really hilarious to have someone ask you if your pregnant and say: No, Why do you ask?

Sara: Best idea. You must do it now.

Mom: Only you would think that is funny, Brock

Dad:  On the contrary, Sara thinks it is Hilarious.. 

Mom: Then Sara needs to work on her sense of humor. You spend too much time with your father.

Sara: False. The blog is hilarious and I make people laugh all the time.

Mom: What blog?  That is yesterday’s news

Sara: Luke and Ila already make fun of me for sounding too much like dad. And don’t get all comfortable just because we’re not updating the blog as often.

Mom:  What blog?

Lindsay: Good joke, Mom. NOT.

Mom: __________ posts way more often than you hammerheads do
*We all know someone who has a blog, a terribly bad/hilarious blog, and we've left the name out to protect the innocent. 

Lindsay: I don't even feel like we need to explain why our blog is so much more awesome than____________'s blog.

Mom:  A blog would have to be written to be awesome.

Sara: Careful now. We could dedicate one to all of the ridiculous things you do.
Like your hair clip. And the hot house.
*If you've been to our house on a weeknight when our Mom is around, then you know what the hair clip is. The hot house is a reference to yet another time when Mom managed to fuck up a simple expression.

Mom:  You are still my daughter.

Sara: That isn’t going to stop us.

Mom:  I think it is you that ought to be careful

Sara: Why? Are you not going to buy me a lobster if we post something comical?

Mom: I have all kinds of cards I could play.  It would be foolish of me to show my hand.

Lindsay: I think Mom basically just declared war on us.

Sara: I think that war is indeed being declared.

Mom: That is below the belt and uncalled for.

Sara: You said last week that you wouldn’t buy me a lobster as a joke! Once again! Joking! THESE ARE ALL JOKES

Dad: I know…. I have to go to the store after work Kathy.

Mom: Why do I care?  I will be at a party

Sara: What did you have for breakfast? Fried eggs and snark?

Lindsay: WAR, mother. 
(Sara: In the original email, this GIF didn't work. I had to find the proper source for it so you all wouldn't be confused at Lindsay's complete lack of technical ability. You're welcome)

   












Mom:




Lindsay: Mom, I just Sparta'd your ass into a pit of darkness. Your crappy clip art tug-of-war is invalid. 
  
Sara: