The Bowyers Learn How To Use Caps Lock

Last week, Mom went back to work for the first time since her hand surgery. We know this because once again we’ve been getting random E-mails with links to news articles and one television is constantly reserved for Fox News turned all the way up to 11 each night.

I (Sara) would just like to point out that even though I’m the one who apparently bothers everyone else with E-mails all day, I receive a rather high number of fairly pointless E-mails myself. What’s that joke about the kettle and the pot again?

Anyways, here’s a meditation from our Mother about the usage of caps lock:

Mom: http://thehill.com/blogs/twitter-room/other-news/244765-romney-campaign-calls-out-obama-for-spelling-ohio-wrong

Sara: The world is really unfair, isn’t it?

Mom: No, the media are biased

Sara: Ooooh, and I’m sure it’s just an overwhelming liberal bias, keeping those poor unappreciated and disadvantaged conservatives down!

Mom:

Sara: Very mature.

I DON’T WANT TO BE AT WORK I JUST WANT TO GO TO PULLMAN AND BE DRINKING.

Mom:

Sara: I wrote a poem about going to Pullman. That's how checked out I am.

Mom: ARE YOU GOING THIS WEEKEND?

Sara: Are you trying to be funny?

Mom: NO, DID I MISS SOMETHING?

Sara: …yes. Yes you did. Dad and Lindsay know. How did you not?

Mom: SAME WAY YOU MISS THINGS ALL THE TIME, SO TELL ME

Sara: I’m leaving tomorrow night to go to Pullman for Margo’s 21^st birthday. Natty’s going with me. We were talking about it last night!

Mom: NOT IN FRONT OF ME. HOW LONG WILL YOU BE GONE?

Sara: Okay you can chill with all the caps…til Sunday.

Mom: CAPS ON BECAUSE ENTERING IN CAPS ON SPREADSHEET. TOO LAZY TO TAKE CAP LOCK OFF

Sara: Good god mother. It’s like you WANT us to post all of your ridiculous shenanigans on the blog.

Mom: How is typing in caps fodder for blog? You are pretty desperate for material. Maybe your family is more normal than you think.

Sara:

Because this is what everyone sees in their head when you do it.

Mom: What a whiner

Sara: OH MY GOD MOM YOU CAN’T JUST GO AROUND CALLING PEOPLE WHINERS IT’S NOT POLITE AND IT MAKES PEOPLE FEEL LIKE POOP.

See what I mean?

Mom: You are poop.

Later, Mom continued to harass Dad with her capital letters.

Dad: I did not sleep well, my neck is killing me..

Mom: GO TO THE DOCTOR, BUT STOP WHINING TO ME. I HAVE MY OWN PAIN ISSUES, THANK YOU*

Dad: This is the level of care and concern I get from my wife...

By the time Lindsay started E-mailing Sara demanding entertainment, Sara had decided to take Mom’s affinity for caps lock and put it to use.

Lindsay: I saw this on a pink sticky note in the kitchen at work the other day.
"Eat as many cherry's as you like! They're delicious!" (there was a bag of communal cherries)

- and then below that someone added on:

"You mean cherries?"
LOLZ

Sara: Grammar Nazis everywhere!

Lindsay: The chicken breasts you cook make me sad and so I'm going to start giving you recipes for them so you can stop eating boring, gray chicken.

Sara: Dude…the fuck…my chicken breasts aren’t that bad…

Lindsay: They're not bad. But they're sad.

Sara: YOU’RE SAD. WHAT THE FUCK DUDE, ALL I DO IS LIVE MY LIFE AND MAKE SOME GODDAMN CHICKEN. WHAT IF I LIKE IT GREY? WHAT IF I JUST DON’T HAVE THE ENERGY OR TIME TO PUT INTO A BIG FANCY RECIPE?? I’M TIRED AS ALL FUCK WHEN I GET HOME. JESUS JUMPED UP FUCKING CHRIST, DID I ASK YOU TO JUDGE MY CHICKEN?? DID I ASK YOU FOR A MORE EXCITING ALTERNATIVE? NO. FUCK NO. YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU CAN TAKE YOUR “FUN” CHICKEN AND SHOVE IT RIGHT UP YOUR FUCKING ASSHOLE, WHILE I KEEP EATING MY POOR NEGLECTED GREY CHICKEN. FUCK OFF.

Lindsay: Angry Sara is angry.

Sara: I get very maternal about my chicken.

Lindsay: I was just trying to improve the quality of your life by being a caring sister.

Sara: GODDAMNIT I WANT TO BE DRUNK NOW.

*These issues will be addressed further in the next guest post, courtesy of The House Dragon.